


Three Halves

by misura



Category: Ouran High School Host Club - All Media Types
Genre: Cameos, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-04
Updated: 2017-06-04
Packaged: 2018-11-08 21:18:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11090118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misura/pseuds/misura
Summary: In which the twins set out to seduce, date or possibly just talk to an uninspired romantic heroine.





	Three Halves

**Author's Note:**

  * For [CaramelShadows](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaramelShadows/gifts).



"Fools!" Tamaki pronounced proudly. "Foolish fools who are brothers! Foolish brothers who are fools!"

Which would have been one way to answer the question of how well he was dealing with the situation of him and Haruhi having broken up, but seemed a little unconventional by way of a response to a request to pass the milk.

"Did we mention Haruhi sent us an e-mail yesterday night?" Kaoru asked.

"With pictures," Hikaru added. "She took them with the phone we gave her."

Tamaki gasped. "Was she wearing a dress?"

Kaoru grinned. Hikaru smirked.

"A delicate white summer dress? Was she walking along the beach, permitting the sea breeze to gently toy with her hair?"

"She's in Berlin," Kaoru said. "Where would she find a beach in Berlin?"

"Ah!" Tamaki beamed. "Where there's a will, there's a way. Only believe in yourself, and you will prevail! Fortune favors the bold! Faint heart never won maiden fair!"

"Milord's heart must be quite faint, then," said Hikaru.

Tamaki sobbed.

Kaoru sighed. Hikaru reached across the table to gently pat their visitor on the back.

"We only got pictures of some buildings and stores she thought were interesting."

"It's Haruhi, after all. Why would she send us pictures of herself?"

"We'll even show them to you. If you're good."

Tamaki lifted his head, a gleam in his eyes. "You wish me to coach you in winning her heart? To profit from my vast and awesome wisdom? I accept that challenge! To start with - "

"Why would we want advise from you?"

"She dumped you, didn't she? Clearly, you don't know that much about Haruhi."

"We used to be in the same class with her, after all. We spent far more time with her."

"If we wanted to date Haruhi, we would hardly need your help."

"And anyway, Haruhi is fine. Shouldn't you be worried about Kyoya? I heard he's going to marry a girl he only met two weeks ago, just because her family is very well-connected. Rich, too."

Tamaki frowned. "But I wanted to see Haruhi's pictures."

"Of course, when we say 'girl', we just mean that she's never been married before. I think she's actually really old. Nearly sixty. Apparently, she's so disagreeable that nobody's wanted to marry her before."

"She's really in love with Kyoya, though."

"Which is not our problem. We're fine with it if he marries her for her family connections."

"But we thought you might feel differently. After all, aren't you always going on about the importance of love and such? And Kyoya is your friend, isn't he?"

 

"Really. Calling us foolish when he's the one who's gone and gotten himself dumped by Haruhi."

"The nerve."

"Clearly, it is milord who is the fool."

"Still."

"What?"

"It might have been nice if Haruhi had sent us pictures of herself in a dress."

"We could always ask."

"She'd probably say no. Why bother?"

 

Haruhi returned from her trip to Europe looking a little pale and worn out, but satisfied and full of stories about her adventures, which ranged from getting lost in the Louvre, Paris, to getting lost in Venice in the middle of the night before being rescued by a handsome gondolier.

"I never said he was handsome."

Hikaru dismissed this objection with a wave of his hand. "You certainly got lost a lot. Don't you know how to read a map?"

"I thought I'd use my phone. It has a map function. But, well, it's not as if I was in a hurry." Haruhi shrugged. "I ended up seeing some places I might have missed, otherwise."

"You should come with us this summer," said Kaoru. "We know lots of interesting places. We could be your local guides."

"Where are you going?"

Hikaru shrugged. "Where do you want to go? We've been pretty much everywhere."

"I think I'm going to spend most of my time studying this summer," said Haruhi.

 

"That's so unfair. Making us believe she might come along and then just ducking out."

"She's so unenthusiastic."

"And she sent the same pictures she sent us to Mori and Hunny and who knows who else."

"Her childhood friends, probably. What was that one guy's name again?"

"He was boring. Why should we bother remembering his name?"

"Should we invite her over for tea tomorrow?"

"If we get cakes, she'll probably come."

"We'll get the ones with strawberries. She likes strawberries."

 

" - and then you tried to manipulate her by telling her that you would only give her the one with strawberries if she did what you wanted?" Kyoya smiled. "A little amateurish, don't you think? One might almost call it childish."

Kaoru looked a 'well, it was your idea to involve this guy' at Hikaru.

Hikaru stared a 'well, you agreed that it was worth a shot' back.

"Your advise to milord doesn't exactly seem to have helped him very much," Kaoru said.

"So maybe you're not really in any position to criticize."

Kyoya shrugged. "I really have no interest in whom Haruhi dates. Why should I?"

"You have an interest in making milord happy, though, don't you?"

"So that means you do have an interest in Haruhi."

"Does it? And here I was thinking that my interest was all tied up in some unfortunate spinster whom I had ruthlessly seduced in order to convince her to marry me so that I might squander her inheritance and then imprison her on some abandoned estate in the country." Kyoa smiled. "Astonishing, isn't it? I have no idea where this sort of story gets started."

"Perhaps milord saw it on one of those TV-shows he likes so much," Hikaru suggested.

"And then he had a dream about you and got the two confused."

"That's so like milord."

Kyoya sighed. "The thing about Haruhi is that there's no point in playing games with her. Your best option is to be direct. Tell her what you want."

"Milord already told us that," Kaoru said.

"Tamaki is a kind, generous person," said Kyoya. "Quite forgiving, too. Nothing at all like me."

 

"What do we want from Haruhi, anyway?"

"That's easy. We want to be her friends."

"We're already her friends. I think we want to be more than her friends."

"Fine. We want to be her best friends. We want her to pay more attention to us than she does to other people. Other people are boring. She should stop wasting so much time on things and people that are boring."

"Maybe she doesn't think they are boring."

"She's very stupid sometimes."

"She should wear cute clothes more often."

"She's not boring, though."

"Well, that's it, then. What we want from Haruhi is for her to keep not boring us."

 

"This lemonade is very nice," Haruhi said. "It was nice of you to invite me. I thought that you were going on vacation."

Kaoru sighed. "I thought that you were going to wear a dress. It's certainly hot enough for one."

Haruhi shrugged. "This seemed more practical."

"More practical for what? We're just going to sit around doing nothing."

"I went to the supermarket earlier today," Haruhi said. "I didn't know that there was a dress code."

"How about you play a game with us to make up for it?"

Haruhi scowled. "If you wanted me to dress up, you should have said something when you invited me. I'm not going to apologize for something that's not my fault."

"If you win, we'll give you something nice."

"No. If this is how you're going to be, I'm going home."

"Fine," said Hikaru.

"Fine," Haruhi said.

"Not fine!" said Kaoru. "Come on, Haruhi. Don't be so touchy. You want to sit around doing nothing, we can do that for a while. We're okay with being bored, as long as you're having a good time. You're our guest, after all."

Haruhi sighed. "I'm also not going to apologize for being boring."

"You're not boring."

"Why would we invite you over if we thought you were boring?"

"Kaoru only meant that there were other things we could do."

"Hikaru would like to show you around the garden."

"But you wouldn't?" Haruhi asked. "Why? Don't you like gardens?"

"Gardens are boring."

"Hikaru doesn't think so," Haruhi said. "Right, Hikaru?"

"I think gardens are boring, too. But if you want to see it, I suppose Kaoru could show you around."

"No, thank you." Haruhi sipped her lemonade. "Are your tastes really that alike? Hasn't either of you ever liked something the other didn't?"

"Never."

"We even like the same girl."

"You're expecting her to date you both at the same time?" Haruhi cocked her head. "That's a little unusual, isn't it? And anyway, didn't you use to make fun of girls who didn't care which one of you would agree to be their boyfriend?"

"That's not the same thing at all."

Haruhi looked dubious. "Well, good luck, I guess."

 

"She's so oblivious."

"Not cute at all."

"What's so great about strawberries, anyway?"

"Or gardens."

"You think she really wanted to see the gardens? Why didn't you take her on a tour, then?"

"Me? Why didn't you? Anyway, she didn't seem that interested."

"Stupid Haruhi."

"I guess we must really like her, huh? What a pain."

 

"I think you should go visit her and bring a really big cake," Hunny said.

"Tried it."

"Didn't work."

 

"We must be really desperate to ask Hunny for advice."

"I suppose we are."

"We're still not bored, though. So that's good."

"Hey, do you think that one day, we'd get bored with Haruhi?"

"Of course not. What a stupid question. That's like asking if I think that one day I'd get bored with you."

"You do bore me sometimes."

"Liar."

"When you're asleep and I'm awake and I know that you'll get mad at me if I wake you up."

"You get mad when I wake you up, too."

"I bet Haruhi would as well."

"I bet she'd look really cute with bed hair."

 

Haruhi didn't so much as blink. "I know," she said.

"You knew that when we mentioned that we both liked the same girl, we were talking about you?"

Haruhi shrugged. "There really aren't that many girls you spend a lot of time with. It seemed logical."

"Aren't you being a little conceited?"

"Maybe we met someone on-line. Or at a party you weren't invited to."

Haruhi considered. "You would have mentioned her."

"You're not even going to respond, are you?"

"You're just going to wait for us to do something?"

"I figured you needed some time," said Haruhi. "And anyway, it's not like there's any hurry, is there? I'm not going anywhere."

"You really are a terrible romantic heroine."

"Then I guess you must have terrible taste in girls."

"What, no 'but you love me anyway'?"

"Honestly," Haruhi said, "I'm not sure if you're capable of loving someone other than each other. But hey, I'm willing to give it a try if you are."

 

"Ugh. She looks so cute when she smiles, even when her mouth is saying these not at all cute things."

"Who said anything about love in the first place? We said 'like'."

"She didn't even say she liked us back."

"She has to. We're likeable, aren't we?"

"Well, I don't know about 'likeable', but I can tell you one thing we're not."

"Bored?"

"I was going to say 'boring'."

"Ah. Yes. That, too, of course."


End file.
